Crimson
by Eternal Fauna
Summary: Norway sees something shocking and starts to believe it's his fault, his family gather around to help him through the dark times. Warning: this story contains: suicide, mental Illness, depression, murder, self-harm, anxiety, panic attacks, delusions, drug use
1. Cutting Edge

A few things to go over before you start reading this: This story contains highly sensitive topics inside, by clicking on it you acknowledge the trigger warnings located both in the summary and right underneath this little note.

 **Trigger Warnings:** Suicide, Mental illness, Depression, Murder, Self-Harm, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Delusions, Drug use.

But enough of the serious talk! Let's get on to the story!

* * *

 ** _Crimson_**

Dark red. Crimson. All around more red. In the middle of the red, a man, a man who's eyes are devoid of life and who's skin is devoid of color. The white walls have more red splattered about, the light blue carpet forever stained, and the bed you would soundly sleep in at night has forever changed to a place of nightmares, forever haunting your peace. As you continue to stare at the scene, you realize it wasn't just any man that's blood has stained every part of your room, it's your older brother, your guardian, your best friend. He's now gone, forever.

You aren't sure how long you had been standing there, staring at your now red room. You can't move, you can't speak. You can only stare, your eyes glued to the lifeless body that was once your very lively brother.

You are eventually pulled away from the scene as you feel your back pocket vibrate. You are startled but recover long enough to get your phone out of your pocket. You don't even see who had called, you're focused instead on what's on your hands. Your phone has dropped onto the stained carpet though you barely notice, instead your focusing on the dark red that stains your pale hands. The same dark red that stained everywhere else in the room. What had exactly happened? Why couldn't you remember? Why did you have blood on your hands? Could it be... that you had been the one to have caused this? Had you... killed your own brother?

"No... No! No! I c-couldn't have..." You trail off as you remember something, an argument between you and your brother. You were angry at him while he was trying to calm you down, you were yelling and telling him you no longer needed to take medicine, the medicine he tries to give you daily. Could that argument led to you killing him?

"That has to be true... We argued, I was angry... And then I-I killed him..." You feel your chest tighten up as you think about what a monster you really are. You had killed him because he had wanted to help you. You had taken his life because he wanted to keep you well. "But... I didn't need them anymore... I was better..." You tell yourself this as you slowly slide to the floor, feeling tears slowly trail down your cheeks.

You look at your phone, the small dark blue device that lay on your floor beside you. You have to tell someone, right? That's what most people do in situations like this... Right? You finally decide on grabbing it, choosing to call the one person you can think of, your little brother.

As you hear ringing, you think of your older brother again. In the afterlife is he disappointed in you?You didn't mean to kill him, right? Did that even matter though? You still killed him, You're a murderer.

"Hello?" Your thoughts are interrupted as you hear your younger brother's tired voice. Had you woken him up? What a terrible person you are. First you kill your older brother, now you have woken your younger brother to tell him of the horrible crime you had just committed.

"L-little brother?" You speak lowly, your own voice quiet and filled with sadness.

"Lukas? What's wrong?" Your brother sounds worried.

"I-I...It's M-Mathias... He..." Your crying harder as you think of your older brother and how now he was gone forever. And that he was gone forever because of you.

"What about him? Lukas what's going on?" Each word you had said seemed to have increased his worry, but still you cannot stop now.

"H-he's dead... Emil! H-he died!" You sob into the phone, your emotions all over the place.

You sit clutching the phone in silence, hoping your brother hadn't hung up due to you admitting to being a killer.

"...Emil?" You whisper into phone.

You hear movement through the phone. "What happened? How did he die? Lukas, where are you?" his voice is strained, like he had to struggle to get the words out.

He's questioning you. But as you think of the answers to his questions, you pause. What did happen? How did he die? You know you killed him, you remember the argument and have his blood on your hands... But why can't you remember what had happened? "I... we got into an argument a-a-and..." You take a deep breath, trying to calm down. "Emil... I think I killed him in my room..."

You're surrounded by more silence. "I'm sending Tino and Berwald over... Lukas, stay there okay?"

That shouldn't be too hard for you as it feels like your legs are made of lead. As start to agree you pause, does he really believe you? Does he trust you? You killed your oldest brother, you're a murderer, was he sending Tino and Berwald in order to take you to the Institution again? "I-I didn't mean it... Emil..." You begin to cry again. "I... I don't even remember it..." You tell him, your voice trailing off into endless sobs.

"I know Lukas... I-I know you wouldn't hurt him on purpose... J-just wait there, okay? Berwald will help make it better." Your brother tries to sound calm, but deep down you can hear the slight fear in his voice.

"Please Emil... Just please don't send me back to that place..." You whisper, the grip you had on your phone had loosened considerably. You were scared, scared he didn't believe you and he was sending Berwald to take you away again.

"It's okay... It's okay... I promise, you won't go there again, just wait there."

Hearing those words starts to calm you a bit, but then the bad thoughts come back. What if your brother had only said that to calm you? What if when Berwald came he ended up taking you away anyway? What if he meant nothing with that promise? "I-I'll be okay?" You sound so unsure as you ask. Why did you ask? Was it to reassure yourself, or to reassure him?

"Yeah... just hold on okay? Did you take your medicine today?" He asks and you can tell he's struggling to keep his voice even.

"I... I was better... I didn't need it anymore..." You answer truthfully. "I was better... I didn't need it anymore..." It was like a repeating phrase you spoke over and over, telling yourself more than anyone else that you really were better and didn't need the medicine anymore.

"Okay Lukas... But you said that Mat was..." Your brother pauses, taking a deep breath. "W-was dead...? Maybe it's j-just you needing to take your medicine? You know how bad it can get when you have been off your medicine for a while." Your brother responds carefully.

"It's real Emil! His blood is all over me and my room! His body is right in front of me on the floor! I killed him getting into an argument over those stupid pills!" You snap, you don't mean to, but he really doesn't believe you! Even after you told him everything. He still thinks it's all in your head... but... Maybe it is... Maybe your older brother is not dead, maybe this is all in your head due to you skipping your medicine. If so then... That would mean you hadn't actually harmed anyone.

"Lukas. Remember the last time you stopped taking them for a long time? You said that I was dead... You said you watched me be torn apart by demons... It's what put you in the psychiatric ward to begin with... So please? Take them?" He's pleading for you to take your medicine.

But you aren't sure you can. You hate how they make you feel, and you had been better... But, maybe going back to taking them was for the best... maybe once you take them, you'll stop seeing Mathias lying motionless on your bedroom floor.

"I... Okay... I'll take them..." You tell him.

"That's good. Berwald should be there soon, okay? Can you do me a favor though? Can you stay on the line for me? Just stay on the line and talk with me until Berwald gets there. Can you do that for me?" He asks, sounding far more relaxed then he had been earlier.

"O-okay..." You feel a sliver of hope. When Berwald comes everything will be better, you tell yourself this, reassuring yourself that Berwald would fix everything.

You and Emil continue to talk about an endless amount of stuff for a while, both of you waiting for Berwald to show up. You had closed your eyes at some point to keep from seeing your older brother's dead body, but even then you still can smell the metallic scent of blood and the wretched odor of a rotting corpse. You feel your nose twitch and try hard to ignore the nauseating smells your surrounded with.

The smell grows stronger with each passing second and it's enough to make you want to vomit. You gag out of reflex as you struggle to hold in the bile that's threatening to come out. You have to leave this room.

"Hey? Hey Lukas...Are you okay? What's happening?" You nearly forgot that Emil was still on the phone with you.

"...It smells like blood and death here... I can't stand it..." you answer, feeling another wave of nausea hit you.

"It's not real. It's all in your head. Just keep talking with me and try and keep your mind preoccupied." He tells you it's not real, but it sure feels it. Your nose is telling you it's real. Your hands with dried blood caked on them feel real to the touch.

How can you keep your mind preoccupied if all you can think of is this putrid odor? You lean your head back against the wall, trying hard not to think of the sensations your experiencing. You open your eyes and see a tall figure stand there at the doorway, eyes glued to where Mathias' body still lay.

You stare at the body as well, eyes growing large in shock. You see the tall figure go over to the body and examine it, appearing grim as he did so. Why can someone else see your delusions? That's what all of this is, right? You try to get away but you feel glued to the floor. The tall figure moves closer to you and as he does you recognize that this is your other older brother, Berwald, so he finally came.

You open your mouth to speak but find no words able to come out. He's bending down in front of you and is embracing you. You're stunned. He's hugging you but you can't imagine why. He saw Mathias right? So why isn't he yelling at you and calling you a murderer? Maybe he's not real? But then... what was? You struggle out of his grip, you mind trying to comprehend what was going on, while you try and think of what was happening, he has let go of you and left to your bathroom.

"Lukas? Are you still there?" You shake and look down at your phone as you hear Emil's voice. He was real right?

"Y-yeah... I'm here..." You tell him, your voice shaky and full of unease.

"What's going on?" You're making your little brother worry again.

"I...I think Berwald is here?" You answer, though you aren't sure if that was really true.

"Can you put him n the phone please?" Emil asks softly.

"I..." You see Berwald return and you hold your phone out for him silently.

You flinch slightly as Berwald's gaze moves from Mathias to you, looking sullen. "Yes I'm here and it's worse than we thought. No he's okay, a little scared but fine." Is he talking about you? "I'll tell you more later, I have to get him out of this house for now." He has hung up the phone now and has gone back over to you.

He's now standing over you and despite how gentle he was looking at you, you still felt fear. You're looking him over carefully. He looks like your brother, sounds like him, but is this really him? You've had some pretty realistic delusions before... is he simply one of those delusions? Has your crazed mind chosen to create him in order to give you peace? Yes, you saw him talk with your little brother, but was that real? What if you had never called Emil, what if that was also in your head? Had you even gotten your phone out of your pocket earlier?

You feel confused, what was even going on anymore? He's lifting you up in his arms, but still you can't help but think this was all in your head, even as he carries you down the stairs and outside, you still can't help but feel it was all in your head.

The sights and smells of the outside, though usually comfort you, bring you more confusion and worry. Were you actually outside? Or had you imagined that to keep from seeing and smelling death?

"Are you feeling better?" Berwald asks gently, cradling you in his arms.

You shake your head 'no'. No you don't feel better. You feel confused and afraid. Despite how real this feels to you, how pleasant the fresh air was compared to the scent of death you experienced earlier. But was this _real_?

"What's wrong then?" Berwald asks, his voice is calm and level.

"I-is this actually real? Where's Mat?" You ask while you look around, as if by doing so, you'll be able to find your oldest brother.

"I heard you had stopped taking your medicine again. You know you have to take it everyday to avoid situations like this. Do you know where you are right now?" Berwald asks. He's starting to gently rock you in his large arms.

You look around. "The... Front yard?" you answer carefully, somewhat hoping you were right.

Berwald nods. "Yes. And where did I find you?"

You frown in thought. "...My... Room?"

Again, he nods. "Correct. Can you tell me what happened in your room before I found you?"

"I was talking with Emil?" You are starting to not like where he was going with these questions.

"And what happened before you talked to Emil?"

You look up at the sky, your head leaning against Berwald's shoulder as you tried to think of what happened before you called Emil. You feel the gentle rocking stop and feel his intense gaze on you.

As you looked up you felt a wave of panic and guilt settle over you. "...B-before that...I..." You stop, a wave of fear hitting you, your breathing rapid, your heart pounding rapidly in your chest, enough it feels almost painful. "...I..." You feel like you're choking. You gasp for air, hoping to get some into your lungs. Why? Why is it so hard to breathe? You feel tears welling in your eyes, if you finish speaking... And tell him about Mathias, would he still care about you? Would he still hold you in his arms like he is right now? No, he would hate you, wouldn't he... Your nothing more than a killer, he would stop loving you entirely if you told him what had happened. The more you thought of things like that, the harder it was to breathe and the harder your heart pounded out of your chest.

"Lukas. I want you to breathe okay? I want you to take a deep breath in..." He's talking to you, encouraging you to breathe.

You take a deep breath in. you eyes are still watering, and your heart is still pounding rapidly in your chest. You notice hes counting on his fingers, holding them up so you can see.

"Now let it out." he said and you see he's stopped counting at four.

"Now deep breath in." he says and like before he's counting on his fingers.

"Now let it out." You do that a few more times, feeling the air slowly return to your lungs, the choking feeling slowly going away.

"Do you want to take your medicine now?" He asks, his voice soothing.

You nod, not trusting yourself to be able to speak properly yet. He puts the accursed pill box in front of you and takes out the set of pills you need. Mathias was always surprisingly organized with them, making it so you had everything convenient and easy to get to. He was the real reason you're still even alive to this day. Damn you suck...

You notice that Berwald is looking around, your own eyes wandering from the bright red car Mathias drove daily, to the flower garden you and he worked so hard on, both of you so happy once you were done. "I forgot to get water..." You jump as you hear your brother speak again and blink up at him.

"What?" You ask softly, curious about why he suddenly needed water.

"I forgot to get water for you to take those pills with." He answers you, his voice still calm and collected.

"Oh.. I think Mat forgot to get water... the last time he was out shopping..." You tell him, frowning as you spoke, god, your voice sounds awful.

He nods and puts the pills he was going to have you take back into the pill organizer, his eyes now focused on you. "Come on." He tells you, helping you to your feet. You wobble, almost as if you had forgotten how to use your legs and feel a hand grip your own, guiding you to the black car he so regularly drives.

* * *

You weren't really paying attention to anything the entire drive, but soon the car has pulled up to the ever familiar sight of Berwald and Tino's house. You liked coming here, Mathias would take you whenever you wanted to come, and you were greeted with baked cookies and many other baked goods. You smile at the memory, not noticing that Berwald had gotten out of the car and over to your door, opening it for you. He helps you out of the car and like before you wobble. He grabs you before you fall completely and keeps you close, guiding you as he did not to long ago. You and he walk carefully to the front door, the path the same as it's always been, flowers lining the way up to the door, grass on either side of the cement walkway. You open the door to the usually cozy house and frown. This feels different, the usual scent of baked treats was absent, the inside of the house felt cold, enough that it made you shiver.

You walk further in, finding Tino pacing around the living room, appearing frantic. "Lukas! Are you okay? What happened? Is that _blood_?! Why do you have blood on you?!" He asks you rapidly, holding your hands out so he could study the dried blood caked on you.

"I..." How do you respond? "I'm covered in blood because I just killed Mathias" He'd kick you out of the house and call the police probably if you said that... But, maybe that's for the best. You deserve punishment for what you did, You killed your own brother after all...

"We'll talk more later." Berwald said, gently guiding you to the kitchen. You stand still as he gets out a cup and fills it with water, handing it to you while he takes out the pill organizer. He gets the dreaded pills out again and hands them to you, expectantly waiting for you to take them.

You stare at the pills in your hand for the longest time, you don't really want to take these but you can feel Tino and Berwald's eyes on you, waiting for you to take them. You grimace but finally stick them in your mouth, getting them down with the cool water Berwald gave you. You chug the rest of the water down, not realizing how thirsty you really were.

"Go rest, it'll help." Berwald suggested, nudging you toward the hallway that held the bedrooms. You didn't want to rest though. Despite how mentally tired you were, you felt like you could stay away for hours.

"But..." You argue.

"Rest." He repeats, sterner than he had been speaking, but still with a hint of gentleness in his tone.

You start to argue again, but really, what's the point? This might be the last rest you have before your sent to a psychiatric ward or prison. After all you did kill your brother, didn't you? "Fine..." You give in, heading to the room they made for you. It had your clothes, some books, and even some of the stuffed animals you had left here before. You look down at your hands again, still covered in dried blood, should you wash them? Probably... you head out of the room and to the bathroom, watching as the soap and water had changed with blood washing off your skin.

Now clean you head back to the bedroom, clutching one of the stuffed animals tightly, you're eyes are growing heavy and soon you are taken to the world of dreams.

* * *

You were running, to where, you weren't sure, all you knew was that you were looking for something... You stop running and look around, trying hard to find whatever it was you were looking for, and finally, you find it. You had been looking for a house. The same house your brother lives in. you knock on the door, once, twice. No response. You knock again before finally you just walk in.

The door creaks as it opens, the inside cover in a layer of dust so thick you could visibly see it everywhere. Did anyone even live here? You look around, spotting an old dusty picture frame and pick it up, blowing the dust off. You hack and cough as a cloud of dust hits you. Once it clears you stare at the picture you were holding. It was a picture of you, Mathias, and Emil, the three of you were smiling at the camera, but as you looked closer at Emil you noticed how sad he appeared in the picture.

You continue to study the picture for a while before you hear a loud noise from behind you. You were actually so startled you nearly dropped the picture onto the cracked floor. You see a dark shadow enter into another room and after setting the picture down, you head toward it. As you draw closer to the room the mysterious shadow had entered you see the back of Mathias' head.

"You really left Emil hanging yesterday, huh Lukas." You gasp as he turns around, his entire torso is oozing blood, his eyes are lifeless, and his neck has a deep gash going through it.

"Hey Lukas! I was just _dying_ to see you again!" He moves closer to you, his movements sluggish.

You back away in fear, doing the only thing you can think to do. You scream.

* * *

"Lukas!" You hear your name being called, but still you can only see Mathias' corpse-like face as he continues to move closer to you.

"Lukas! Please wake up!" You feel like your being pulled away from Mathias, the house, and everything. You feel your eyes open as you feel a weight on your body, something warm was holding you close, pulling you away from the horrifying sight you had just encountered. As your eyes open you notice that you are back in the guest room you had fallen asleep in before. On top of you was Tino, holding you close, sitting on the bed while he fought of the last remaining bits of fear you had.

"...T-Tino?" You ask, your voice hoarse.

Tino's arms relax as he hears you speak and he pulls back just slightly, his violet eyes scanning your face. "Oh thank goodness!" was all he said before he went back to hugging you.

You awkwardly sit there, letting him hug you while you think back to the dream you had. You were in Emil's house, you encountered Mathias, and he spoke to you... what had he said again?

"Tino, can I use your phone? I want to call Emil." You say, realizing you weren't really sure where your own phone was.

"What for?" He asks, though you see that's he's fishing in his pockets for it.

"I just... want to tell him I'm with you guys right now." You answer and it's not a lie, but that's not the only reason. Something about what had happened in your dream had made you feel you had to talk to him.

"Okay." He seems to accept what you had said and hands you his phone.

You look at it before you type in your brother's number, holding it to your ear as it rings.

"We're sorry, the person you are trying to reach could not answer the phone right now. Please leave a message after the tone." You frown. "The voice mailbox is full. Good bye."

What? No! You hit redial, ignoring Tino's concerned gaze. "We're sorry, the per-" You hang up before the recording could finish, Your eyes glued to the screen.

You hit redial again. "We're sorry-" You hang up.

No, no, no! Why? Why won't he pick up? You get up from the bed, Tino's phone still in hand as you leave the room, your mind racing. Was Emil okay? He always answers his phone. Did he silence his phone and leave it in another room?

You run outside, ignoring Tino's cries for you as you continue running from the house. You have to see your brother, that dream, no that nightmare... You remember now, it was mentioning something about Emil!

You continue running, trying to recall exactly which house was Emil's while in your distressed state of mind. You stop running, panting slightly and spot your brother's house. The same house you had previously dreamed about. Gulping you run to the house.

You take a deep breath as you stand at the front door and knock. One knock, two knocks. No response. You knock again this time louder and more frantically. "Please be in here..." You whisper as you open the door and step in side.

To your relief it didn't appear to be quite as dusty as it had been in your dream. You look around, spotting the picture you had been looking at in that realistic nightmare. There you three were, all smiling, all appearing happy. You set it back down and look around, the house silent. Perhaps he's up in his room sleeping?

You head toward the stairs. Walking up them, your heart pounding as you headed further upstairs. You make your way to Emil's bedroom and stand before the door, your hand inching closer to the door knob. You slowly turn it, the door creaking open.

As it opens further you are met with a horrifying sight...

* * *

 **Thanks for reading the first chapter of Crimson guys! Shout-out to TrueCanadianGirl, the totally awesome Bun, and Snowflower for helping with with this story! See you next chapter!**


	2. The Hanging tree

As stated previously, this story contains a high amount of trigger warnings located both in the summary and directly below this note.

 **Trigger Warnings** : Suicide, Mental Illness, Depression, Murder, Self-Harm, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Delusions, Drug use.

* * *

You scream. Your eyes glued to where your brother is. The little brother you love dearly, the one that is now hanging in the middle of the room with a noose tied around his neck. The sharp smell of urine and feces hitting your nose as you stand, shocked in the fingernails are all broken and bloody, his violet eyes vacantly staring back at you from a somewhat swollen face.

You gulp thickly, Still standing in the same spot glued to the floor. You have… You feel you have to get him down! You race over and look for anything you can use to cut him down…

Nothing. You can't find anything and he's hurting. You grab the desk and begin dragging it behind you, he has to still be alive… He just, has to… You drag it until its under his feet, knowing that'd relieve the pain on his neck while you got help.

"Please, little brother." You beg, grabbing his legs, keeping them steady on the desk.

You look at your hand, you still have Tino's phone. You wipe your eyes with your arm as you hit speed dial, calling Berwald.

He answers quickly. "Tino? What's wrong?"

"B-Berwald… It's Ice! H-he hung himself… I-I got here just in time! You need to come here! I can't cut him down!" You respond, your voice is shaking, the phone resting on your shoulder while you talk, both hands holding your brother.

It was silent. "I...okay. I'll hurry over…"

* * *

 **POV shift:** Sweden, 3rd person POV

He sat in silence after hanging up, thinking about what had happened. Lukas had Tino's phone, Lukas was not back at the house, Lukas was with Emil at his house. And Lukas said he saw Emil hanging.

Berwald sighed and looked around Lukas' old bedroom, the same room Mathias had been brutally murdered in. He sees a window broken in the room, the glass covering the ground.

"How did this happen?" Berwald questioned studying the window. He looked every inch of the broken window over, someone had broken it intentionally, signs of forced entry were apparent here. But one question still remained, why had someone broken it, and who had killed Mathias?

"Berwald!" Berwald turned, seeing Tino standing in the doorway, looking worried.

"Tino?" Berwald asked, moving over to Tino's side.

"It's Lukas! He had a nightmare so I woke him up and he wanted to call Emil before he ran off!" Tino explained.

Berwald frowned, wondering if Emil could be able to sort everything out and dialed Emil's phone. "We're sorry, the person you are trying to reach could not answer the phone right now. Please leave a message after the tone. The voice mailbox is full. Goodbye."

"W-why isn't he answering his phone?" Tino asked hearing the message as well.

"I don't know…" Berwald didn't like this, if Lukas was upset because of something that happened with Emil…

"Hey did Lukas take his medicine earlier?" Tino asked, looking nervous.

"He did. I saw him take them." Berwald nodded. "Why?"

"It's just… Before he left the house, he seemed… Unhinged… Like how he gets when he skips the medicine…" Tino whispered.

Berwald shook his head. "They might just be taking a while to work."

"What if they are no longer working for him? We should consider sending him back…" Tino's voice dropped, his eyes cascading to the ground.

"No. We will not send him back there. He's fine." Berwald refused, his expression dark.

"But… What if he gets worse?" Tino asked.

Berwald sighed. "Very well wife. If he does in fact get worse we'll… Send him back to the psychiatric ward." It hurt him to say this but if it was for Lukas' wellbeing… "Anyway I have a pretty good idea as to where Lukas is now, I'm going to go get him and bring him home." He added soon after and left Tino back in the house Mathias was murdered in to go get Lukas.

As Berwald pulled up in front of Emil's house, he frowned, seeing the front door wide open. He got out of his car and went into the house, a putrid odor hitting him upon entering the small two story house. "Emil? Lukas?" He called, covering his mouth and nose to avoid the stench as best he could.

He climbed up the stairs, looking left and right for either boy and saw Emil's bedroom door open. He got closer, the smell growing stronger as he drew closer to the bedroom.

He got the front of the room, his eyes growing in shock as he saw Emil's lifeless corpse dangling limply by a noose, his face pale and bloated, his eyes open. Lukas stood by holding Emil's legs.

"Big brother…" Lukas whispered, looking back at him.

* * *

 **POV Shift:** Norway, 2nd person POV

You see Berwald standing there, looking from you to Emil over and over, his normally stoic face green, as if bile was seconds away from coming up.

"He needs our help…" You tell him. Tears are starting to cloud your vision.

Berwald nods at you, his face still slightly green as he pulls you back, taking your spot as he leans up and cuts at the sheet tied around your little brother's neck.

As Berwald's pocket knife cuts more and more of the sheet holding Emil off, your concern for your little brother grows, had you actually helped him?

The sheet gives way and your little brother collapses to the ground, neck still bound. You rush over and take the sheet off from around his neck, holding him in your arms. He's not breathing… Why?

"Why is he n-not breathing? I saw him! I had come just in time! I-I helped him…" You sob, trying to pound the air back in his chest.

"It's too late Lukas, he's gone." Berwald whispers, you hadn't even noticed him come up behind you, hadn't even noticed him hold your arms, to stop you from continuing your useless attempt to revive Emil. "He's gone…" He whispers again, softly crying in your hair while he holds you in his lap, keeping you from Emil. You sob into his chest as the words hit you, holding onto Berwald as if he were your lifeline.

* * *

 **Well! Chapter 2 is done and I must say… That** **ending hurt…**

 **Big huge shout out for TrueCanadianGirl, My friend Bun, and Snowflower for their help, they're awesome!**

 **Also please review, it keeps me motivated into writing**

 **Thanks again for reading and I'll see you next chapter!**


	3. Lost

As stated previously, this story contains a high amount of trigger warnings located both in the summary and directly below this note.

 **Trigger Warnings** : Suicide, Mental Illness, Depression, Murder, Self-Harm, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Delusions, Drug use.

* * *

You aren't even sure how long you have been sitting there, crying into Berwald's shirt while he held you, his own tears going into your hair.

He can't be gone! He's not gone! You… You saved him, right? You turn back to your little brother and stare, wide eyed.

There he was, his eyes as blank and lifeless as you found him, his face still swollen, his skin pale. The noose was still around his neck, had you forgotten to take it off?

" _This should be you, big brother._ " his whispered words stung. But… They were true right? Your darling baby brother would never lie to you. You had not even noticed you were crying harder until you felt Berwald rock you in his arms. Usually this would calm you, comfort you even, but right now all you could think of was Emil. He's right you should be the one with the noose around your neck.

Maybe.. This world would be better off without you. You… _Killed_ Mathias. Your baby brother was found hanging in his bedroom and you were too worthless to do anything. You deserve to die, you feel as Berwald is just simply wasting his time on you. You see Emil still standing there, scowling at you.

" _You failed everyone, big brother. You failed me._ " Your brother tells you in the same whispered voice he used before.

"I'm sorry..." Your voice is as quiet as Emil's. You know apologizing is pointless, but the words leave your mouth anyway.

"Don't apologize, you have done nothing wrong." Berwald is calm as he speaks, his rocking continuing.

Something about his calmness and gentleness towards you causes you to snap.

"I did do something wrong! I k-killed Mathias! I left Emil all alone and he hung himself!" You don't know why you are yelling at him, but you can't stop. "Just stop being nice to me and leave me alone!" And with those final words you broke out of Berwald's grip, ignoring his pained expression as you stood up and ran down the stairs.

He doesn't chase after you, you notice this as you stood on the first floor. That's what you wanted though, right? You wanted him to give up on you, but now that he did… You feel alone.

You had wandered for a bit, your mind as far gone as you are right now, you didn't care, you just… Wanted to join your brothers. You wanted to die. You clutch your chest at the thought of just dying someplace, when suddenly you hear a loud ringing noise. You look around before you focus on the phone you still clutched in your hands.

"H-hello?" You ask with a shaky voice.

"Lukas? Where are you?" It was Berwald. Why couldn't he just leave you alone?

"I…" You can't respond, not only because you have no clue how to answer his question, but also because you don't want to talk to him.

"Lukas! Answer me! Where are you? Are you hurt? Talk to me!" Berwald is worried about you, and yet you still can't find it in yourself to answer him.

"Sorry…" You finally respond. A simple apology that you can't help but feel is meaningless.

"There's no need to apologize, just tell me where you are." Berwald tells you calmly.

"Sorry…" you say again.

"Just describe to me where you are, I'll come find you and take you home, okay?" Berwald says, his words gentle.

"Uh…" You look around. Despite how dark it is, the light post close to you is giving off enough light that you can see trees surrounding you, a bench close to the light post, and train tracks. "I'm by train tracks… And trees, lots of trees." You aren't sure why you told him that much, but with how worried he sounds for you, you feel like you had to tell him.

"Okay, stay there. I'll come find you." Berwald says and you hang up, not wanting to speak to him anymore.

* * *

 **Sorry for the short chapter guys! ^_^'**

 **I'll make up for this chapter by making the next one super long and good, so keep your eyes out for it!**

 **As always thank you TrueCanadianGirl and Snowflower for their help!**

 **Also review if you can guys! It helps me know if ya'll like it or what I can explain or add on!**

 **Anyway! See ya guys next chapter!**


	4. Life on Track

As stated previously, this story contains a high amount of trigger warnings located both in the summary and directly below this note.

 **Trigger Warnings** : Suicide, Mental Illness, Depression, Murder, Self-Harm, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Delusions, Drug use.

* * *

As you sat waiting on the cold wood bench, waiting for your brother to show up, you begin to think. Why are you still here? Why wait for him now? He will always be disappointed in you, why not just leave now and save everyone time? You aren't sure about half the answers to these questions. You just sit there blankly, Tino's phone turned off beside you.

You turn to focus on the monorail in front of you, the dark night sky, making it difficult to really see them. If you were to run out on to them now, would you finally be able to rid yourself of the guilt you held? You can hear a train coming from the distance. It could be over quick. You could just step on and end it all.

You stand, your body moving on it's own as it walks closer to those tracks.

Your now mere inches from stepping onto the railway.

You can do it, just continue walking...

The tracks are shaking now, and you look around, standing the middle of them, waiting. Your heart is pounding rapidly as the train races toward you at rapid speeds.

You close your eyes as you see that bright illuminating large headlight coming closer to you, bracing you for the death that was mere seconds away.

"Lukas!" You feel someone pull you off the train line, the train zooming past Not long after.

"B-Ber…" You struggle to speak, seeing Berwald panting as he held you tightly, fear shining in his deep blue eyes.

Berwald studies you for a while, his face devoid of emotion as he scans every inch of you. "Come on." He tells you, not giving you a choice as he lifts you up and carries you away to where he had left his car. To your surprise the driver's door and passenger door is already open and as he sets you on the seat and buckles you in, a wave of nausea hits you. You had almost _died_! Had Berwald showed up a second later than he had, you would be _dead!_. But… that was your goal right? You wanted to just end it all and leave this damned place, so... Why do you feel so awful?

"Sorry…" You mumble as Berwald slides into the driver's seat, placing both his phone and Tino's phone into the cupholder beside us.

He says nothing, his body is tense, his knuckles white on the steering wheel as he drove, his eyes focused on the road before us.

You look out the window of the moving black car, your mind thinking back to the near death experience you just had. You peek over at Berwald, noticing a piece of paper sticking out of his coat pocket slightly.

"What's this?" You ask, your eyes glued to the paper.

When you get no response you sigh and turn back to the window, watching as the world flashes by you as you and your brother continue the drive back to his house.

You get back to the house and you feel a weight hit you as you get out of the car, sitting on the front porch, his leg bouncing wildly, anxiously.

You move closer to the porch, immediately being pulled into a tight hug by Tino. "Thank goodness you're safe! What happened you two?" Tino asks, his eyes darting from you to Berwald who had walked up behind you.

"We'll talk about it inside." Berwald responded, gesturing to the front door.

You frown, but understood, he wants to talk about what happened at that train station.

As the three of you head inside and walk into the living room, you feel Tino and Berwald's eyes on you as you sit on the couch, Tino sitting next you and Berwald standing beside you.

You sat quietly, looking away the best you could, avoiding eye contact with either of them.

Tino took your hand gently in his own, his gaze directed at Berwald, "We're inside now… what happened?"

"Emil… I found Emil in his room… he was hanging…" You say, your voice cracking as you struggled to stop the tears that threatened to spill over.

"What! Is this true?" Tino asked with wide eyes.

Berwald nodded solemnly, kneeling in front you as he takes your free hand, holding it tightly with his large callused hands. "Lukas, what happened when I found on the train tracks?" he asked, his deep voice soft, his blue eyes filled with sadness and worry.

"I…" How do you respond? Do you tell him the truth? Or do you lie?

"Train tracks? Lukas?" Tino asks worriedly, tightening his grip on your hand.

At Tino's shocked and worried expression you feel the dam break, tears welled up in your eyes, soon spilling over and down your cheeks, you shuddered as you try to take a deep breath " I-I.. It's my fault! All of it!" You pull your hands away from them and move to hug your legs tightly. "I killed them! Both of them! I thought… If I were gone no one else would have to die!"

"Don't ever say that! You're important to everyone Lukas! Don't you dare say that again!" Tino demanded, his eyes filled with tears.

You barely listen to him as you sob into your knees, hugging them tighter, your fingernails digging into the fabric of your jeans.

You feel strong arms wrap around you, a kiss placed on your head, tears landing into your hair. "Please, don't do something like that ever again." You hear Berwald whisper.

"I…" You can't speak anymore, as you sob heavily, moving your arms from where they were around your knees to clutch your brother tightly, refusing to let go of him.

"It's been a long day. Let's go get dinner and go to bed." Tino suggested, you can feel his eyes on you before he ran off to the kitchen.

The sounds of pans clanking were also a lullaby for you the last of your tears fall. You lean against Berwald, drooping like a wilted flower as you accepted sleep willingly.

* * *

 **See guys? As promised I made the chapter longer and the darkness went away!**

 **As I say like every chapter ever… I'd like to send a HUGE thank you to TrueCanadianGirl for her patience and awesome help, she helped with so much of this story she's awesome ^_^**

 **Not sure when the next chapter will come, but don't worry~ This story is far from over *Cues maniacal laughter ***

 **Anyway reviews are awesome and help me know what you liked and didn't like and what I could add or change so please review and I'll see you next chapter!**


	5. Meeting With The Devil

As stated previously, this story contains a high amount of trigger warnings located both in the summary and directly below this note.

 **Trigger Warnings** : Suicide, Mental Illness, Depression, Murder, Self-Harm, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Delusions, Drug use.

* * *

It had been a few days since Berwald had taken you back to his house, after the incident of you nearly ending your life. And since then, you feel as if you hadn't been able to have any time alone. Being this close to your remaining family hadn't been as bad as you felt it should have been, in fact it was almost peaceful. You sat at the small wooden dining table Berwald and Tino owned, Berwald sitting with you, reading a newspaper while Tino busied himself in the kitchen. As you sat, quietly listening to the boiling sound of water in a pot, you began to think that perhaps you weren't worthy for all the kindness they have been showing you.

"Lukas, after lunch we're going to go refill your prescription and talk to your doctor." Berwald tells you, causing you to tense slightly. You hated seeing your doctor, he never truly wished to help you and never listened to anything you had to say.

"Okay." You reply, not wishing to upset the only brother you had left, after all, he gave you a home and protection from the horrible hospital.

"This is for your own good." He says, closing his newspaper to fully look at you.

Those words, those were the same words Mathias told you before he sent you away the that damn Institution…

* * *

 **Small Memory Time**

 _You sat in the front seat, Mathias driving silently, you feel yourself slipping further and further from reality, "This is for your own good Lukas." He tells you while he bit his lip, pulling into a large hospital looking place._

 _"No. No, no, no, no! Why are we here?!" You yell, digging deeper into your seat as Mathias undid his seatbelt._

 _"You said Emil was killed by a demon, then lunged at him and proceed to attack him, claiming that'd bring Emil back. The doctors here only want to help you get better." He tells you, sadness filling his usual happy voice as he speaks. He gets out of his car and moves over to your side faster than you could even comprehend, though right now your comprehension is highly lacking._

 _"Don't leave me here! Big brother! Please!" You cry as he takes you out of car, nearly dragging you into the building._

 _"This is for your own good." He repeats, kissing your forehead gently before he went over to what appeared to be the nurse's station._

* * *

You shake your head, you hated that memory, It was from a time you would be happy forgetting about. You look over at Berwald, your older brother had gone back to reading at some point. "Lunch is ready!" Tino announced, coming into the room, placing food in front of both you and Berwald, your brother smiling and folding his paper up.

You look down at the bowl of Lohikeitto, salmon soup. Since that incident two days ago, Tino has been making everything you love to eat, and today was no different. You sigh but offer him a small smile before you took a small spoonful, the taste as delicious as always.

You eat slowly, trying your hardest to delay the trip to see your doctor. You feel Berwald and Tino's gaze on you, watching your actions carefully. You close your eyes, trying your hardest to ignore them. You finish about half of the bowl before you start to feel full.

"You done?" Berwald asks, his deep blue eyes moving from the bowl to you.

You want to say 'No' you want to lie and continue eating until you can't anymore because then you won't have to see your doctor. But your body is telling him yes, that eating anymore will be stupid. "Yeah." You finally say, avoiding looking at either of them.

Berwald nods and stands up, Tino standing as well, taking your bowl away as he made his way to the kitchen. "Let's head out then." Your brother says. You refuse to move, you're glued to your chair, your hands clutching the table tightly.

"Can't you go on your own?" You ask quietly, still refusing to look at your brother.

"You know I can't now come on." He says, firmer than before as he lifts you effortlessly from the chair.

" _Let me down_!" You tell him, your voice rising in fear, squirming the best you could out of your brother's arms.

Berwald complies, setting you down, but has a grip on your wrist, making it so you can't run even if you wanted to. "Please, Lukas. I promise you, nothing will happen there. We will simply go get your refill and then talk with Dr. Stein. I will be there with you the entire time and won't let them take you away again." He reassures you, pulling you into a comforting hug.

You sigh but choose to believe him, after all, why would he lie to you? "As long as you're with me I guess…" You say softly.

"I promise you I will be." Berwald smiles at you, a small, rare smile that you know is a genuine one.

"O-okay then…" You say and walk with him to his car.

* * *

You stare out the window in silence, still dreading seeing your doctor, but as long as you were with your brother it wouldn't be as bad as you felt.

You start to close your eyes for a quick nap before you sigh, since you nearly ended your life, sleeping has been awful. Every night you are greeted with the sight of Mathias and Emil, both lifeless and both telling you such awful things. Most of the things they tell you end up forgetting come morning time, but the things you do remember make you dread to even close your eyes.

You tense up as Berwald pulls up to a large building, the same building your doctor works in. He stops the car and gets out, waiting for you as you slowly open the door and climb out, walking beside him as the two of you leave the parking lot and enter the building.

The inside of the building is nicely decorated with scenic pictures of oceans and mountains everywhere, large plants sat in almost every corner, and the large glass windows all around you made the place feel so open. With how nice it looked, you felt as if it should feel safe, relaxing even, but you feel terrified every time you have to come into to see your doctor. You sit beside your brother, in the large waiting room, the nurses occasionally looking over at you.

"Mr. Bondevik! It's been a while since we last saw you! Are you here to see Dr. Stein?" One of the nurses, a short, slightly round older lady with brown hair and tan skin says, smiling at you. You remember her from the other times you had to come here, though you could never remember her name.

"Yeah… it has…" You answer awkwardly.

"So, have been doing better since the last time I saw you here?" She asks casually, smiling brightly at you.

You want to respond with the truth, that 'No. you have not been doing better. That you had a psychotic break and killed your brother and led your little brother to commit suicide.' But you bite your tongue, knowing the truth would have you back in the psychiatric ward in no time, your freedom a thing in the past. "I have been…doing better." You lie, feeling awful about doing so as you feel Berwald's gaze back on you.

"That's great! I'm sure Dr. Stein will love to hear that!" The nurse said cheerily, smiling largely at you.

"Anything involving my patients are facts I enjoy hearing, Martha!" Your doctor, a middle aged man who's height rivalled Berwald's and who's bald head nearly reflected the light in the room stated , walking into the room from a side door far from the front desk, he was smiling at the woman you were just talking to, before he turned to you and your brother with that same look. You looked over at the woman, Oh, her name is Martha, you think to yourself, though knowing you the second you'll leave this building and get in the car, you'd likely have forgotten everything about her.

"He's ready for you!" Martha, the ever kind nurse said with a smile as she gestured to your doctor.

You and Berwald head over to him, though you are slower to move. "Hello I'm Doctor Stein, I've been working with Lukas here for a few years now! You must be one of his brothers! I've heard a great deal of you from the older one that first admitted my dear patient here!"

"I'm Berwald. I've been letting Lukas live with me since our oldest brother, Mathias died." Berwald explains calmly, though you can see sadness in his features.

"Oh I'm very sorry to hear that. And Lukas? How have you been holding up? Surely that must have had a large impact on you." Your doctor said, as the three of you enter his large office, where black leather couches, a large wood desk, and multiple chairs all were housed. You sat on the couch beside your brother, practically holding his hand as your doctor sits in a chair in front of you, folding his hands in his lap as he sat with one leg crossing the other, a folder sitting beside him, your file probably.

You say nothing, instead you look at the posters and many paintings around the room.

"Lukas?" Your doctor calls to gain your attention.

You sigh, looking over to your brother for reassurance, before you open your mouth to speak. "It's been hard. My brother has been there for me my entire life, so it's difficult not to have him around anymore . Berwald and his spouse have been helping me though."

"I see, and Berwald, how has it been with Lukas, has there been any incidences or outbursts? Has he mentioned seeing anything, that you or your spouse could not see?" He asks. You notice as he spoke that his eyes seemed to constantly move from you to your brother over and over.

"It has certainly been an adjustment, but none of it is Lukas' fault. As he stated, losing Mathias has been difficult, and with Emil's recent suicide, it's been a challenge, but as he also said me and my spouse have been doing our best to be there for Lukas while we also took time to properly grieve." Berwald tells your Doctor, his expression blank.

"I see. But you never answered my question. Has Lukas had any incidences or outbursts that we should know about or has he been seeing things that weren't there again?" Dr. Stein asks, glaring coldly at your brother, who remained calm and collected.

"I did answer your questions to the best of my ability and if you truly must know, no. there has been nothing that needs reporting."

You feel amazed that your brother would say something like that since he always seemed like the type to answer with clear facts rather than personal bias. You smile at him slightly.

"Then why are you here?" Your doctor asks, leaning back in his chair.

"We came to refill on his prescription." Berwald responds.

"Of course. Though can you truly take care of him? While admitted he had six psychotic breaks, four acts of violence toward the staff and even himself, and has been forced to take his medication on more than one occasion. Are you and your spouse fully able to handle all of that?" Your doctor asks, directing his attention to Berwald.

"We are more than prepared for any incidences that should occur. All we ask is that you refill his medication so we can proceed to care for him." Berwald said in a colder tone.

"Very well, but I know he'll be back soon. His brother couldn't handle him, what makes you think you can? You'll get tired of trying to help him just like the other one did." Your doctor says, reaching into his pocket to pull a pack of cigarettes out, lighting one in his mouth as he leans back in his chair while he smirked at Berwald.

Berwald says nothing simply sitting there, glaring at Dr. Stein with a cold, dark look full of hate.

Your doctor sighs and writes something down, handing it to Berwald. "Here, take that to the pharmacy upstairs, they'll refill his medicine."

With the note in hand, Berwald stands, nodding at your doctor. "Come on Lukas." he tells you, taking your hand.

You follow closely behind Berwald as the two of you leave his office. "Don't worry, I plan on changing your doctor soon." he says once you are far from Dr. Stein's office.

You nod and get into the elevator with him, ready to get your medicine and leave.

* * *

 **Hey guys thanks again for reading this! This chapter is a lot 'happier' than the last ^.^'**

 **Thanks as always goes to TrueCanadianGirl, Bun, and my friend/Beta MyaZab (She's new to the thanks list but she's cool!)**

 **Anyway reviews and stuff are awesome! See you next chapter!**


	6. A Case of Determination

As stated previously, this story contains a high amount of trigger warnings located both in the summary and directly below this note.

 **Trigger Warnings** : Suicide, Mental Illness, Depression, Murder, Self-Harm, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Delusions, Drug use.

* * *

"Can you get the medicine without me?" You ask as you step out of the elevator with Berwald. The only thing worse than an appointment with Dr. Stein, was going into pharmacy and be forced to feel judged as the nosy pharmacists constantly spoke about you and stared at you the entire time.

Berwald opens his mouth, looking ready to argue with you before he sighs, nodding his head and allowing you stay in the brightly lit hallway, as he walks towards the pharmacy. You silently thank him and look around, hoping to find something to entertain yourself with while you wait.

As you look around,you feel boredom within seconds of waiting,you focus on finding anything to do, you spot a short haired person hunched over, their back turned to you, revealing a black and white sweater you recognized instantly. "Terry?" You ask softly, moving closer to the person.

The person nods, though they refuse to stand up and face you properly.

You sigh in relief, Terry was your only friend when you were locked up, They had saved you more often than not, stopping you from jumping off the roof more than once. You smile and crouch down beside them, happy to see them again.

"I was worried I would never be able to see you again!" You tell them.

Terry nods again.

"Are you here-"

"Lukas?" You are interrupted by Berwald, as you turn to scowl at him for disturbing you as you catch up with your friend, you notice that he is looking at you with concern, holding your prescription in one hand, his eyebrows furrowed.

"You got them already? Well, um… can you wait a second? I'm catching up with an old friend." You tell him, gesturing to Terry.

Berwald frowns but nods, letting you and Terry talk in private while he stands by the elevators, waiting for the two of you to finish.

"Um… as I was saying, are you here to see Dr. Stein?" You ask.

Terry nods, while they play with the sleeves of their sweater, their eyes still focused away from you.

They have always been quiet, causing you to be the one to do most of the talking, not that you minded, they were excellent listeners and would let you say whatever you needed to say, that was something you truly loved about them.

"I can be there for you afterwards, if you want me to be," You offer with a small smile etched on your face, a smile that only Terry could get out out of you. .

They finally looked up at you, their green eyes focused on you, their lips curving up in a smile that matched your own. They nod at you, accepting your offer.

You stand and offer your hand to them, your smile slightly largening as they take it and let you help them up. Standing straight, the two of you are around the same height, only mere inches apart, with you being slightly taller.

You pull them over to Berwald, he smiles at you as you continue to hold Terry's hand. "Hello, I'm Berwald, I'm Lukas' older brother." Your older brother introduces himself rather politely.

Terry waved shyly and you feel their hand tighten around your own. "This is Terry. They kind of don't speak?" You introduce for them.

Berwald nods. "So where are you two going? " he asks, and you can see that he's happy for you as you keep holding Terry's hand.

"Dr. Stein's office," you respond, and Berwald's smile fades, happiness replaced by concern . "It's not for me. Terry has an appointment with him and I wanted to be there for them afterwards." You explain, while Terry nods beside you.

"Okay, we'll go wait for you, while you go talk to Dr. Stein, Terry." Berwald tells your friend.

Terry smiles at Berwald and enters the elevator with the both of you, determination radiating from them, as they got ready to face Dr. Stein alone.

* * *

You sit in the waiting room with Berwald next to you. You can see the nurses occasionally glancing at while you wait. Terry had gone into Dr. Stein's office a few moments ago, hugging you before they entered the hellish office. "Lukas? Hun, did you need something else?" The nurse that had talked to you before asks, walking over to where you and Berwald were, waiting for Terry to finish getting berated by Dr. Stein.

"Not really, we're just waiting for Terry to finish talking to the dev- I mean talking to Dr. Stein." You reply, earning a frown from the nurse and a smirk from your brother.

"Terry? Is he a new patient here?" the nurse asks, choosing to ignore your previous comment.

"No, _they_ were with me when I was admitted here," You answer, looking at her with confusion.

"I'm sorry hun, but I don't recall anyone coming in here with that name." The nurse tells you, their expression filled with worry.

* * *

 **And that's all for this chapter! Man I feel all happy with this chapter! Let's face it though, seeing Dr. Stein is like visiting hell…**

 **As always thank you to TrueCanadianGirl and MyaZab for their help! MyaZab for being my beta and TrueCanadianGirl for everything else… Seriously I'd be lost without either of them. ^.^'**


	7. Imaginary

As stated previously, this story contains a high amount of trigger warnings located both in the summary and directly below this note.

 **Trigger Warnings** : Suicide, Mental Illness, Depression, Murder, Self-Harm, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Delusions, Drug use.

 **POV Change** : Berwald, 3rd Person

* * *

Berwald sat tensely, his eyes focused on his brother that sat nervously beside him, the nurse they had previously talked to appearing concerned for Lukas as she told him that she knew not of Terry. Not that was a surprise for Berwald since even _he_ did not know Terry.

"Well maybe Terry went by a different name while they were here?" Lukas suggested weakly, smiling sheepishly at the nurse standing before him.

Berwald started to open his mouth to correct his brother, wanting to say that 'The nurse would know for a fact if there was anyone by that name or not.'

"Terry!" But before Berwald could, his brother had broken off into a sprint, hugging the air, while whispering about how awful Dr. Stein was, Berwald understood that yes, he was awful. What he couldn't process was who his brother was hugging.

"Perhaps, Lukas should stay here overnight?" The nurse suggested, voicing Berwald's concerns. "Just for observation, that is!"

A part of Berwald felt that perhaps it would be best if Lukas stayed, maybe Dr. Stein can judge more thoroughly on his brother's state of mind. But the other part, the part Berwald was choosing to listen to was telling him not to abandon Lukas here and that he would be better off at home with Tino and himself to watch over him and help him. "Not happening. Lukas will not be coming back to this place again." Berwald hissed coldly before he walked over to Lukas, ignoring his brother's startled yelp and dragged him hastily back to the car, not once noticing Lukas' hand clinging to something that he was sure only his brother could see.

As they drove home, Berwald wanted to talk about what happened back at the hospital, ask his brother about Terry and more importantly if Lukas was actually _swallowing_ his medicine after taking it, but seeing Lukas humming innocently beside him, no hint of sadness on his expression, Berwald was choosing to drop the subject for now and talk about it to Tino at a later time, he really didn't want to be the cause of anymore emotional trauma for his younger brother.

He smiled softly as he pulled into the driveway, seeing Tino standing by the porch waiting for them. He stopped the car and watched as Lukas opened the back door of the car, waiting patiently before shutting it again and running inside, Berwald's smile fading almost instantly.

Tino's expression almost matched his own as Berwald approached his spouse, hugging him tightly, the taller sighing heavily as his large burly arms held the small male close.

"Did it not go well? Is Lukas alright? What's wrong?" Tino asked, pulling away from Berwald long enough to get a good look at Berwald's face.

"I… I'm not sure if he is "alright", today at the hospital he began talking to a _friend_ of his, one that made Lukas smile and laugh…" Berwald started, heading inside the house with Tino, his large calloused hands clutching Tino's own soft ones tightly as he spoke.

"That's good right? Lukas is happy and this person made it happen!" Tino stated, not understanding what Berwald was saying.

" _That's_ not the problem, the problem is that Lukas' friend well…." Berwald paused, not quite sure what to say about his brother's close friend, the friend no one but Lukas could see.

"What is the problem then?" Tino asked before he turned toward the hallway the bedrooms were held in, his eyebrows furrowing as the couple heard giggling and talking coming from Lukas' room.

"That right there is the problem. His friend couldn't be seen or heard from by anyone but him. If I hadn't been right there… I'm afraid we never would have been able to see him again." Berwald finally said.

Tino frowned, his gaze glued to Lukas' bedroom. "Maybe… we should consider having him go back? At least then he'll have the right care and support he needs."

Berwald gaped, he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "What do you mean, wife?"

"I mean… perhaps the arrival of his friend is a sign that we're just incapable of caring for him. Lukas has a ton of problems and perhaps sending him to a place that knows of these problems and can work with him would be for the best." Tino explained carefully.

* * *

 **POV Shift:** Lukas, 2nd POV

You sat comfortably on your bed, Terry right beside you, their face concealed by their hair, making it hard for you to really see their eyes all too well. You had always liked their eyes, the color being a gentle color that seemed to draw your eyes brush some of their coarse hair to the side, smiling as you caught a glimpse of their lips. You had always loved them, and just sitting next to them, watching as they picked at their sweater, their gaze focused entirely on your wood floor.

"Terry? Can you promise to stay here with me always?" you asked, holding their hand lightly. You wait nervously as Terry shifts on the bed, their gaze still focused away from you before they turned to you, nodding, their hair back to covering their face.

"Really? That's great!" You hug them, smiling as you feel their arms wrap around you, hugging you back. "We'll never let anything happen to us, just like back then. We'll never be apart."

Terry nods, hugging you tighter than before and the two of you sit there, feeling a sense of peace drape over the both of you.

* * *

 **What's that? A short chapter with Berwald's pov in the beginning? Lol yup. So sorry I took so long to update, I had a huge writer's block and I didn't feel like writing ^.^' but everything is all good and we're all awesome here!**

 **As Always TrueCanadianGirl is awesome and the reason I even got anything out, so remember to thank her and give her a round of applause.**

 **Hopefully next chapter will come out sooner than this one, so be on the lookout for that!**


	8. Losing Themselves

**Ch.8**

As stated previously, this story contains a high amount of trigger warnings located both in the summary and directly below this sentence.

 **Trigger Warnings** : Suicide, Mental Illness, Depression, Murder, Self-Harm, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Delusions, Drug use.

Also I'm sorry if this Author's note is repeative, It's more so everyone is on the same page when I say that I warn you every chapter about the triggers.

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A few weeks had passed since your older brother's death and your younger brother's suicide. At first you wanted to join them, feeling you had no other option. This changed, after you had ran into Terry a few days earlier and had come home with them, you feel as if you can finally move on. You sit up on your cramped twin-sized bed, some of your many stuffed animals falling to the ground, landing with soft thuds due to your movements. You turn slightly and find Terry sitting on the floor by the bed, hugging your favorite stuffed animal tightly. You smile at them and get out of bed, sitting beside them.

"My big brother gave me that one," you tell them, pointing to the stuffed animal in their hands. They're staring at it, petting the soft bunny ears that drooped down. "He said, if I was ever scared or lonely I could talk to it, that it would keep me safe. And it has. I just wish, that I had it with me back then…" You explain, smiling sadly.

Terry takes one look at you, before looking back at the bunny and then again back at you, offering you the stuffed rabbit.

"Huh?" You question, before they smile and place it in your hands, it's almost velvety fur tickling your fingers as you hold it close. You are confused at first, over the gesture before you understood, they were trying to make you feel better. "Thanks…" You smile and hug the animal close.

They smile back, before standing up, heading towards the bedroom door, turning slightly back to you as if to say "Are you coming as well?", of course you follow, setting the beloved stuffed bunny down where you were sitting as you stand up , leading Terry as you make your way down the hall and to the dining room, where Tino is busying himself setting the table for breakfast, Berwald is already sitting at the table, with a cup of coffee and a newspaper.

"Morning Lukas!" Tino greets with a smile as he finishes setting the table. As you look at it ,you notice sadly that Tino didn't set a place for Terry. You head into the kitchen and grab a plate and cutlery for Terry, who has already moved to sit at the table. You set everything neatly where Terry is , ignoring how your brother and Tino are staring at you.

"O-oh! Are we expecting someone else?" Tino asks, once you are done setting everything down for Terry.

You blink back at him, not understanding how he can't simply look and notice that your close friend is seated right in front of him. "Yes. Terry! They stayed here last night." You explain, as if it is the most obvious thing in the world, which to you, it is.

You notice Berwald and Tino share a look before Berwald speaks up, "Of course. How silly of us to forget Terry, sorry."

You feel pleased with this, as your older brother says those words to your best friend. Tino smiles as he serves all of you.

"Thanks for breakfast!" you tell Tino as you finish your meal. You stand up to leave, you want to spend more time with Terry and play with them, when Berwald stops you by grabbing your hand.

"You forgot your medicine." he reminds you, sliding the damned pills into your hands, while Tino hands you a glass of water. You glare at them before you sigh and take the pills, downing the foul taste they have with the cool water.

"Thanks," you mutter before you head back to your room, glad to see that Terry is waiting by the door for you.

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 **POV Change** : Berwald, 3rd Person

Berwald let out a heavy sigh, as Lukas retreats back to his room. Tino is right beside him, cleaning up the food, appearing sad as he stares at the untouched eggs he has 'served' Lukas' friend.

"He's getting worse." Tino whispers as he begins to do the dishes.

Berwald frowns, he know this, but he can't accept it. He refuses to abandon his last remaining brother like that. "He's fine. Even, if he has an imaginary friend with him, as long as he's happy and taking his medication, I see no problems with putting on an act."

"Yes but... What if it's like before." Tino asks.

 _Before_. Before, they found out just how far gone their beloved brother was. Before, when he couldn't look at anyone without reacting. Before, when he had attacked Emil during a family dinner and had nearly harmed him severely. It was a time, none of them could forget. Mathias had to be the one to take Lukas to the hospital and admit him. The rest were still in shock over what had happened, Berwald included. To him, seeing Lukas smiling and starting up conversations and just, being there, seeing that proved to him that his younger brother was doing better. "It won't be. He truly has improved, even with an imaginary being in his life." Berwald reassures Tino, hugging him from behind.

"I just worry…" Tino whispers as he leans against the taller male.

"I promise you, nothing will happen. He'll be over this invisible friend thing soon enough." Berwald promises, hoping that it was true, that his brother would be alright and stop relying on his imaginary friend soon.

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 **POV Change:** Lukas, 2nd Person

You sit beside Terry, worried for them. They hadn't eaten at breakfast, nor at dinner the night before. "Tino's cooking is really good. I'm sure you'd enjoy it, if you tried it." you suggest, reaching to hold their hand.

They simply shake you off, focusing on something away from you.

"What if… we went out? Like for lunch or dinner! Would you eat then?" You're desperate and hope they will accept. "It could be...a date!"

They tilt their head to the side, before smiling , nodding vigorously at you.

You grin back at them, feeling excitement, something you didn't think you'd feel ever and pull them into a tight hug. "Can we… go tonight?" you ask shyly.

They nod again.

You grin once more, before a sense of worry hits you. You need to talk to your brother. It's not like you have any idea how to go on dates, or even where you could go for one.

"I'll be right back!" you tell Terry, before you rush out of your room, hoping to find your older brother or Tino quickly.

You find them both together in the kitchen, whispering softly to one other. You approach slowly and take a deep breath, your cheeks heating up.

"Um…" you start causing both of them to turn and face you, their attention now on you solely. You can feel the heat of your cheeks getting worse as they give you their undivided attention. "W-well it's just… um… see I…" You feel like the words are impossible to get out.

"What's wrong Lukas?" Tino asks, worrying for you, most likely expecting the worse.

"...Where would be a good place to go on a date?" You finally get out at lighting speed.

Even if you got it out you know that the most embarrassing part has yet to come, you still have to tell them with whom you want to go.

"A date?" Berwald's eyebrows have shot up. "With whom?"

"T-Terry...We were uh… thinking of going out today, but it's not like we've really gone on dates before, you know?" You finally tell them, knowing full well, that your entire face and perhaps your whole body was bright red.

"Do you want us to come with you then? We can go to the restaurant I took Tino to, on our first date." Berwald offers with a smile, as he reaches over to you and ruffles your hair.

"Berwald!" You could hear the worry and a hint of anger in Tino's voice, as he turned to him.

"It'll be fine Tino." was all Berwald responds with, then turning to you and telling you to go find Terry and get ready to go out . You grin at him and hug him before running back to your room, feeling a wave of relief washing over you as you enter your bedroom , glad your brother and his sprouse had agreed to go with you on your first date with Terry.

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 _See Guys? I can have 'sweet' chapters! Thanks MyaZab for being my insanely patient and awesome beta, and thanks you the readers for sticking with this wild ride for this long!_

 _We're coming to the end, just two chapters away actually so strap in, those are going to be the craziest yet~_


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